Winning the Lottery

There have been occasions that this conversation has come up with my husband… What would we seriously do if we had a stupid amount of money? Honestly, we talk about it regularly. In some ways I feel like it is a strange conversation to have, but it shows our dreams and aspirations. We have interesting conversations such as:

  1. Would you continue to work? Would you work at the same places? How much notice would you give your work if you were to leave?
  2. Would we move? If so, where would we move? Why?
  3. Who would we give money to? Are there people we would be willing to just give money to? Who do we know that we feel is responsible enough to be just given money? What gifts would we give?
  4. How do you budget? Do you budget?
  5. How would our daily life change?
  6. And most importantly how would we spread our blessing? Who would we donate to?

Seriously, these hypothetical questions have brought us closer. It’s hard to talk about crazy dream goals sometimes when you feel like it could be unattainable. These conversations have made me realize what a caring, responsible man my husband is… What love he has for his family, the community, and God.

I challenge others to have this conversation with their significant others… you definitely don’t have to play the lottery to have it. What would you do if you could live without any monetary restrictions?


Keepin’ An Eye On My Top 25

Today, I had a mini triumph. This week, I started trying to jog again. So… I went on a nice little jog today. I turned on my jogging app.. And turned on the top 25 playlist from my iTunes. And I not only quickly realized how old my music is on my iTunes but how different I am as a person now than I was a few years ago… In a very positive way.

My top 25 music was filled with break up song after break up song. YUCK! I mean don’t get me wrong some are fun, some are empowering, some are downright beautiful… BUT really?!?!

My life was so different then. I think I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and being okay with it. While I know I have my struggles now, I think I’m a much better, mature, and overall happy person.

I have this wonderful family… A husband that I trust and don’t have to worry about what he is up to… Two gorgeous children. While maybe I feel like I’ve temporarily lost some of the fun things about my personality, I think I like myself now a lot better.

Really though… I can’t think of one thing that I have felt sorry for myself for long periods of time since I started dating my husband. I have gotten sad or scared, but I didn’t wallow in that self-pity for so long that I would drown myself in music that reflected it.

One of my favorite songs used to be a song from my favorite band, Paramore, called “In the Mourning” (the best version is mashed up with “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac)… It was one of my what I call soul songs. It is a beautiful song. I still love it, but now instead one of my soul songs is “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran. Such a different message.

The more I think of it the more I can see that I now relate with much happier, positive songs. Songs that not only reflect on positive things, but look to the future with positivity. How f***ing awesome is that?!

I’ve been so worried that losing some of my playfulness meant that I am not a happy person. BUT I am. I may have grown more serious. I may have more insecurities about my body at the moment. I may not be as organized as I would like to be. I may not get to spend as much time on me as before…. BUT I can see that I am incredibly happy and I know I am so blessed.

Does your favorite music reflect that your mood and experiences? Could the type of music you listen to change you? What do you think your music say about you?


Am I Superficial?

I’ve been trying to consider what has me so lost. Really, it is something within me. My husband supports and loves me. He gives me time away from our children. I have a full time job that I enjoy. So, it must be something in me that has me lost.

I feel really superficial saying this… But I think the change in my appearance has me feeling like a different person. I have gained quite a bit of weight. I gained most of my weight after I gave birth to my son. It wasn’t real baby weight. I didn’t gain it while I was pregnant. I’m not sure why I gained it, but I gained 40-60lbs. I feel so embarrassed by the way I look.

I don’t go shopping for clothes because while clothes fit, I don’t like how I look in them. The goal is to find clothes that hide me. I don’t like going out in public because the entire time I wonder what people think of me when they see me. I don’t like working out in public. Heck… I worry about what my family thinks of my appearance.

It is so superficial and silly. There are so many other things that make up a person than their appearance. I am so much more than my appearance but it seems to affect everything I do. Should I care about how I look? I know the answer should be, “no”… but if I am really honest with myself, I do. I care a lot.

When I liked how I looked, I was more playful. I felt more active. I was more affectionate towards my husband. I tried new things. I played sports. I felt more confident at work. I was a better sister. I feel like I was a better person. I want to get back to that person.

With all of that being said, what do you think? Does a person’s appearance say something about who they are as a person? Can it change who they are as a person?

Haze Bench

A Little… Or A LOT of Refecting

Recently, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I’m not sure what it is about me as a woman reflecting while pregnant with a baby girl, but I sure did do a lot of reflecting on myself while pregnant with her.

A lot of nights were spent thinking about if I am a good enough woman to raise a beautiful, little girl:

  1. Am I confident enough?
  2. Am I strong enough?
  3. Am I the woman that I want my daughter to grow up to be?
  4. Will my example lead her to a happy, productive life?
  5. Am I being a woman that she would look up to or be ashamed of?

That reflecting is what led me to where I am now. Where I need to be really honest about my feelings, and about my wants, and who I really am. I have come to notice that there are things that affect my self-esteem.

How can I expect my daughter to be a confident girl and eventually woman if I am constantly struggling with it? I can’t. Not only did I realize the affect it could potentially have on my daughter but I noticed how much it affects everything I do and my relationship with my husband. I don’t like to go out as much. I am nervous to try new things. I am embarrassed of myself. I can’t take a compliment. I’m not as playful. I’m a different person… BUT I’m DETERMINED to find my confidence again!!!


So… The Expedition Begins!

I’m looking forward to beginning this expedition! I have decided to start this journey because after having two children, I feel like I may have lost myself. So, this is sort of a journal… My journal to a better me!

Thanks for being a part of my experience!

I’ve failed over, and over, and over again in my life. And that’s why I succeed. -Michael Jordan

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